A Personal Update, and My Raw Thoughts on Gratitude…
Most of these newsletters will be all kinds of health factoids, tips and stories for y’all. But today is more of a personal one from me. As many of you may know, there is loads of science on why gratitude is great for your physical and emotional health, but what is it really?
I always have embraced Thanksgiving as a time to be with my loved ones and really take in just how much I have to be grateful for, and this time of year always hits me in the feels. But this year is especially emotional for me.
I have not been shy about sharing our fertility journey in the last year and a half, so many of you may be aware, but my husband and I have experienced 5 miscarriages (naturally) and 2 embryo losses (via IVF) since June of 2022. Needless to say, the whole experience brought some of the lowest lows of my life. Last winter at one point, we had 3 losses in back-to-back cycles, culminating in my receiving my diagnosis of a Balanced Translocation (a genetic diagnosis making it very hard to have healthy children naturally – leading us to IVF). I remember feeling like I was in a haze everywhere I went for a few weeks, vacillating between numb and heartbroken most of the time. My husband was my rock during those days, but I remember as I started to come out of it I realized something that had always been true in my life. The hardest times in my life had always led to the most intense gratitude and joy. Was it possible to feel this, and remember this, in the midst of pain? Damn, did I try. I forced myself to look at what going through this experience would bring us.
It brought my marriage a strength and closeness I didn’t know we could have. It brought me a strength I didn’t know I was capable of. It brought me endless knowledge about the medicine of fertility to allow me to help so many of my patients (ours ended up being fairly clear cut, but you better believe I learned everything there is to know about supporting fertility in the healthiest way through our journey). It brought me closer to friends and family, allowing them in our lives as a circle of support. And it brought me the stark realization: whatever way we ended up building our family would ultimately be the perfect way. I knew in a moment that the day we had our babies, I would hold them and be eternally grateful that it never went any other way.
That realization allowed such peace in my heart that I was able to truly relax and enjoy the upcoming journey. And friends, today we got the call we have been dreaming off for almost a year now. We got the final update from our embryologist that we have more healthy embryos than we could have ever hoped for. I immediately started crying tears of relief and joy, so of course my sweet husband did all the talking on the call. We finally have safe, healthy little embryos to transfer – something I didn’t know would ever be possible. Would I have felt this level of palpable gratitude without going through the loss we have this year? I can honestly say, for me the answer is no. The first time we found out we were pregnant it was a surprise, and we were over the moon happy, but it didn’t bring me to my knees with emotion. Not like this phone call. My heart could absolutely burst right now it is so full of gratitude for science, for our doctor and everyone that helped make this a reality, for my support this past year, and for my husband – who is my absolute rock and best friend.
Something a good friend of mine reminded of today is that maybe we can’t feel true gratitude without something being taken away. And maybe this is true. After all, isn’t impermanence what makes life so special? Our set point as humans is to get used to the good pretty quickly… it becomes our new normal. But the threat of losing what you love? That will remind you how much something matters to you in a heartbeat.
The number of times this has been accurate in my life is too many to count. My diagnosis of Lupus was the hardest thing I had previously gone through up until this year… and my biggest source of gratitude, because it taught me to never take my body for granted and a million other lessons. Seeing tragedies in the ICU in my time as a hospitalist taught me life’s fragility, and was a daily reminder to hug my loved ones tight. Not being able to run for a couple of years after my Osteomyelitis is still a reminder of strength and my ability to be alive and have my leg everytime I want to complain now during a run. Hell, even a week away on a camping trip leaves me feeling in awe of simple things like our cozy bed and cooking our favorite meals.
None of this to say I wish hardship on myself or anyone else. But human nature is fascinating to me. Is it possible to remind ourselves of the impermanence of the things we hold closest to our hearts before those things are taken away? Or can you simply look back on your most difficult moments, and remind yourself of all that you have and all the strength you’ve gained? My two cents is that the secret sauce is allowing yourself to truly feel it all. As Brene Brown said — “You cannot selectively numb. When we numb (hard feelings), we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.” Maybe the next time something hurts when you aren’t feeling well, it can be a reminder of a body that is alive. Or the next time your loved one annoys you (not that that ever happens to any of us😉), it can be a reminder of their humanity and the short time we get with one another.
My heart is overflowing with joy today. I hope you are all able to hold your loved ones extra tight, and know that I am grateful for each and every one of you. Happy Thanksgiving.
